Thriving Though Divorce & Separation

The last thing in the world any of us want is for a good thing to come to an end. When we first meet our partner there is often an internal recognition that this person is not only the most amazingly gorgeous, handsome and sexy person we have ever seen, but they are wonderfully kind, loving, exciting and interesting as well. We often can’t spend enough time with them, speak on the phone often enough or find enough time for intimacy that will fill the great desire we are feeling. Has this ever been your experience?

I remember when I first met my partner. It was electrifying. This is almost always true for most people, which is what “catches” us and inspires and drives us to “get involved” and then “committed” to our partners and spouses.

So what happens to our relationships with time? Where does all that passion go? What happened to that person we were wild about and who was wild about us? What if I told you your lover, partner and/or spouse was still there exactly as you found them that first day? What if I told you that who you REALLY fell in love with on that first date or first encounter was yourself? What if this person who you are now disappointed with, betrayed by, and hurt from has come into your life because they are your healer? What if this person entered your life specifically to assist you in this lifetime to become all that you can be?

Each one of us is here, on this planet to expand and grow. When your life becomes to small and too comfortable have you noticed that something always happens to shake up your world and “wake” you up or catalyze your life? This is intentional on the part of the universe. We actually vibrate at a frequency that draws and attracts exactly what we need in order to grow to the next level. Most of us resist this. Most of us “think” life is suppose to be easy, fun, comfortable and exciting. So when our life gets shaken up or we find that we are continually stumbling upon obstacle after obstacle, our ego seeks out who or what there is to blame for our experience. As the Dali Lama often says, “when you find yourself pointing the finger out there or at someone, there are always three fingers pointing right back at yourself.” The first place to look during the most difficult and challenging times of our lives is right at the source of our life – ourselves!

The ending of any relationship can be difficult, devastating, and scary. With any kind of ending many experience life slowly (or rapidly) dissolving and the future becoming less and less tangible or predictable. When a relationship begins to slide down the slippery slope of dissolution and divorce there is often a feeling of being taken “down.” It is as if a dark abyss awaits us and we begin to call on our Will to over power the pull of this darkness.

This “going down” is a primary purpose of your relationship? The question for you to consider is, “who are you becoming?” There is a life lesson in this moment and in this experience. All that you are experiencing is part of a greater plan for your life. To Mindfully divorce or separate is to be willing to look into the mirror that is our partner and see that reflection as our self. From this place, peace is possible, dreams become attainable, and healing is inevitable.

Dr. Illana Berger is the author of The Snake and the Four Winds and currently writing Mindful Partnership ~ Mindful Divorce. She is in private practice as a spiritual counselor and healer specializing in gay and lesbian divorce in Oakland, California.

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